Well, the scope of the discussions Kelley and I have had over the past few days continues to broaden and deepen. Sure, in the wake of our decade of marriage there can be found significant discussions on faith, life, death, and all manner in between. But our communication over the past few days has had a depth that we had not yet together shared. What a rich experience we have had unpacking all of this with each other.
The pinnacle of this so far came last night when we were able to eat dinner alone after Christmas shopping for our little guy. We discussed all of the possibilities that could be ahead for us and how that impacted our lives, Carver's life, and all of those with whom we are sharing this journey. We shared with each other our fears surrounding the whole experience. We even talked about the guilt we each feel for being scared while knowing we are in the firm grip of His hand and secured in the shadow of His wing. My, how human we both are.
But we ultimately discussed the "why's" that get attached to receiving the type of news we have received this week. Why us? Why now? Why have us walk through this? Why only one child for us? And about 50 or 60 other spoken and unspoken "why's" we were feeling. Thankfully - we landed right back on maybe the most assuring and sobering "why" question of all: Why would either of us "deserve" even the first glance from Him or even the smallest portion of His grace? This is also, of course, the most humbling.
God is continuing to shape us through this, and it has been my privilege to watch my wife thank God for how His Kingdom will advance as a result of this unexpected circumstance in her life. As He molds and shapes her, she is responding and reacting as His child and servant. What a testimony she has modeled for me over the past few days.
Psalm 31:3 has been special to me for over 20 years (a story for another post). This entire Psalm, however, has become my prayer many times this week.
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